10.

Sorry, but life's meaningless for me atm.

For the first time in years, I have no idea what to write. Am I losing my memory and skills like I’ve forgotten the sound of your laughter? I hope not.

It’s crazy. I was laughing at a skit and I just paused. Wait, how does my dad laugh? ah.

I know we share the same chuckle that triggers your memories for some people. We smile the same way and some say we speak the same way, except that you were more vocal.

I wonder what other similarities we share asides from our handwriting, favorite color, lack of dance skills, letter writing skills, and toasting bread skills ( my dad’s the best to ever do it ). Maybe if you had lived longer, I’d have found out about others. I guess I’ll never know.

I don’t care either. Not interested as well. Lol, it doesn’t matter anyways.

I really hate that I’m using past tense for you, doc. I still hate the fact that you’re basically existing as a memory but well, you’ve been for a decade. Time flies so fast.

I cut my hair the other day and looked in the mirror. Subconsciously, I muttered, “damn, I really look like my father”.

Lmao. I hate cutting my hair because I look just like him without the afro hair. No, I don’t hate the fact that we look alike. I can’t explain it but I just don’t want it. No, I’m not running from the fact that each time I look in the mirror I’ll remember his absence - not like I don’t get to feel his absence every day - but yeah, that’s that.

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You know, this loss has caused me to grow faster than I should. It’s sad that I don’t understand how my other siblings process(ed) this grief. For the most part, I don’t like to talk about it and hate talking about it generally.

I look at the key events in my life and brethren, I don’t have my father in them. People celebrate their graduations and have their fathers present, grinning ear to ear but you have me, like a statue, there.

Junior, senior, and even my university graduations and my photographs which are supposed memories will have him absent. It’s fine sha, what if you were here and can’t make it to these events :D.

It’s really rad. I see other folks making requests from their fathers and grinning when it’s granted.

I make my own to God and pray it gets granted.

People really get gifts from their dads, fortunate kids.

Ngl, I was sad when a guardian traveled and returned bearing gifts for the kids from their father. I definitely wasn’t expecting someone else’s dad to buy me gifts, was I?

Now that I think of it, it’s quite silly to be getting sad when OTHER people are in their moment of happiness. Tch.

It’s good sha. Everyone is happy and that’s what matters.

I’m one of the saddest happiest people in this world but that doesn’t matter. As long as my siblings are okay, I’m okay. I won’t let go of this grief thing easily and I won’t bother again. I must learn to adjust and move on with life even if the slightest mention of one's father makes me sad.

I shouldn’t be sad when one is telling me about their parents. That’s nonsense, Abdul.

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The end is the end. See you whenever, doc.