Reflections: H1.
I don’t have enough clout.
On Wednesday, I wrote an assessment that involved a technical code challenge. I was unsure whether to take it because of several factors, but the experience was another self-reflective moment for me.
Let me give you a backstory.
In 2018, I participated in TeamAPT’s (now Moniepoint) coding contest and came 33rd. I participated in the said challenge with Java. I did know Java for a bit back then - I was interested in building mobile applications circa 2017-2019. I never got to build one because my laptop couldn’t handle Android Studio.
The questions were very chaotic, but they were fascinating. At that time, I didn’t particularly know about problem solving, data structures, or algorithms. I was winging it, and it did make sense. I couldn’t solve a question, and that was my first time on HackerRank. I remember getting a call from an employee, then from TeamAPT, but I was 16, and we never got to work anything out. I still have the said contact’s number to this day.
My focus was teaching, so I didn’t bother to proceed with problem solving until I stumbled on data structures in a Discrete Mathematics textbook during my remedial program. Now, I was interested in learning what those were and how I could use them. I signed up on Codewars because it was fun, and you earn points (kata?) for every successful submission.
In 2019, I resumed learning about it here and there, participated in Google FooBar’s challenge, and a few little challenges here and there. By mid-2020, I was obsessed with data structures and algorithms. The pandemic was another motivator; I was learning openly and had many people on Twitter help out as well. I was very fond of the Linked List structure; I could do every and any operation on it in my sleep.
For context, here’s my LeetCode profile:
I was good, but never lucky enough to get the attention of a recruiter for a proper role.
The driving force behind my religious commitment to keeping a crazy streak was that someday I would get to clinch an interview like the others who did the same thing, those I mentored, too.
That was my undoing. It was never fueled by passion, and the moment the realization set in and I became tired of grinding for months without any gold in sight, I dipped. I switched interests and focused more on my passion for education (technical writing).
Back to Wednesday.
I opened the link to the code challenge, and it was a task to remove the duplicates from a linked list. I stared at the challenge for the first ten minutes and froze. I struggled to process the task because so much was going on in my head:
“A linked list is an easy structure. You shouldn’t have an issue.”
“Damn, do I remember the structure of a linked list and the operation?”
“Deduplicate? What do I do first? Store the values in a set and recreate the list?”
“SHAME. YOU FELL OFF'“
It was insane. In the previous month, I wrote a technical assessment, and I goofed it. It was a simple task, but I just let the fact that I hadn’t done anything of such nature in years win. If you know me, I have a terrible habit of quitting things the moment they begin to act as a stressor. The slightest load to my brain processing power and fiam!
I don’t have enough grit, or should I say that hunger for survival? I’m very relaxed, and that’s because of my firm belief that Allah is going to sort everything I need.
—
I must thank my friends - the very few that I have - for their relentless support every time. They literally care for me as the youngest that I am 😝.
I don’t have enough clout.
Today, clout rules and gets you into places. For the knowledge I have, I shouldn’t struggle so much finding a job and whatnot. However, there’s little to nothing out there that shows that I know my stuff. There’s only so much talking someone else can do on your behalf. If you don’t sell yourself, no one will.
Oh. I passed the assessment for Wednesday. I snapped out of the limbo I was in. I let myself get sucked into the endless recursive stack of thoughts. What good will lamenting and ‘omo’ do when I can just face the task and get it done, or leave it?
I’ve learned in the last few months that nothing reminiscing can do, particularly in the present. Worse, if they are scenarios of ‘I could’ve done this better’, ‘I should’ve done this’. No, you wouldn’t have, stop the self-patronage and keep it moving.
For you who continues to drive towards whatever goal you have and consistently, what fuels this drive? I’m curious.
I'll leave this for people who are consistent to comment on this. But speaking from the viewpoint of someone trying to hack this consistency thing, I've seen that you can't talk yourself into consistency. Consistency is neuroplasticity; you'll re-wire the networks that have shaped your belief of who you are.
When you're scared of the retribution of something, you'll be more inclined to show-up for it. We see this in the striving towards jannah (i.e fear of hell), in underdog stories (i.e fear of returning to a state of insecurity of any type: financial, social, emotional).
You have to develop either fear or respect for yourself. You know that lack of showing up for yourself would denote you don't rate yourself OR you know that you'll deny yourself of something if you don't meet up to personal expectations.